I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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