Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
