Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
