Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
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