his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
