Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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