his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Randomize
