i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
