True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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