i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
