i just sent this text using only my big toe
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize
