i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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