just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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