On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
