can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
