My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
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