i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
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