I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
