worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
As shirtless as possible
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Randomize
