she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
