thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Randomize
