so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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