I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
