I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
