i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
