I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Randomize
