I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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