I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
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