stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
