What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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