I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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