I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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