I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
