last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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