i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
That was an excessively violent trivia night
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
