I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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