how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
