Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
