They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
