i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
