Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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