I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
