i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
