She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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