Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
