god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
