John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
