i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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