I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
