never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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