i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
