Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize
