'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
