Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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