Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
