Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
