I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
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