i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
