If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
