You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Randomize
