Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
